Choices.

Warning: It's full of rant, shit, and crap. Don't waste your time. Go waste others. (And this is my lame attempt in that)

Choices - the spoiler of everything. I'm a person who is surrounded with plenty of choices - except in relationships (I suck at it). I'm a person who lack the freedom to make choices. Choices and complications go hand in hand. The more you have choice, tougher the decision. Few choice, you want to have more choices. Wrong choice, its consequences and suffering. Have no choice, it sucks too. Basically, choice sucks. Big time. I am writing after a long time, and I have the choice of filling it with shit (which bdw I'm doing a great job). Told you, choice sucks. Got my point? 

It's been more than a year since the groom hunt began. And I have had my share of stories which includes every emotion. Being single sucks. Especially when you really don't want to. But you know what sucks more? People pushing you, desperately wanting you to shed the fun-filled 'single' title. Meeting guys and analyzing (and getting scanned in return). Asking the same questions to every guy. The stupid formalities and behaving 'cultured'. The discussions before and after the meet. Flying comments. Differences of opinions. Clash of expectations. No one to share or understand. Ah, the list is endless. I so much need a break from all this! So many choices, yet not one that puts an end to this funny game of choices. 

Last year sucked. I drowned in depression, self-pity, lowest self-esteem, nightmares, what not. I had so many choices there too and I picked everything. In return, I lost everything. Every bloody thing. That didn't hurt. It's the way of life. What hurt most was losing your own self. For worse. It's a phase, get over it - people say. But nobody pulls you out. You are stuck with your shit. Suck and get sucked. It's more horrifying than it sounds. 

But again, choice comes to rescue. It offers hope. The most powerful emotion. And life isn't so bad. Few choices makes you glad, few suck that up. It's complicated. Just like relationships. And it ends just like them, either break up or a lifetime companion. 

Companion. Friend. Ah. They sound so alien these days. Or rather, I am so alien to them. Of all the choices I made, good, bad, right, wrong, impulse, planned, amazing, disastrous, the choice of choosing friends, of friendship, God, it hurts so so badly. All you need is to talk, to lift the burden off your chest, to smile, to have good time. And here I am, blessed with the choice of staying away from this simple yet most beautiful relationship. Funny, isn't it? No, I quite like my company. I don't like crowds, I stay away from people. But you can't eat the same food, 3 times a days for months and years. Isn't it? The scarcity of choice!

Of all the thoughts and choices dancing naked in my mind, the choice of ending the choice with a choice of a beginning, oh how I wish, I had a choice!

Battle of identities

Consider you are A. For your parents, you are (and will always be B). To your siblings, you are neither A or B, but C. Friends know and believe you to be D. You are an E in your professional life. But F is what the world knows you as.

And it doesn't stop with that. You wonder how people, whom you can't categorize as, what they think about you. Surprisingly, nobody thinks you are anyone from A-F. Rather, you get new names from G-Z .

And all along, in quest of searching who you actually are, you forget yourself. All that remains of you are the labels. And A is just one among them.


The Mango Tree


There is a mango tree in my neighborhood. I have spent weeks staring at the raw mangoes when we shifted here early this summer. It was beyond my reach. I fantasized grabbing them and eating to my heart's content, at times raw, at times seasoned with salt and chilli powder, the tangy, spicy flavour rolling in my tongue, surfing with the waves of saliva after which it takes the longest ride in my esophagus, finally settling in my stomach. Oh heavens! I miss the mangoes now, especially in this winter. 

The other day when I was watering the plants on my terrace, I saw the mango tree with budding flowers, blanketing the gigantic free with a creamy light green texture. And there on the right hand side, hung a tiniest mango. The lone lemon-sized mango in the vast tree. Small, raw, green-skinned, the little mango hangs in there with the support of the most delicate stem the branch could produce. The mango isn't even aware that it sprouted at the wrong time, and considering the weather, it might never grow. Or perhaps it would just stagnate till the arrival of its growing season. Maybe its stupid of him to come out way sooner than he is supposed to. Maybe he will be ignored when he shares his wisdom while others will be taking just the toddler steps. Maybe he is destined to be lonely, no matter if he lives or dies. Maybe no matter how much he tries, he will be never be able to share or express whatever is going inside him, and even he does the chances of being understood will oscillate between slim to zilch. Being himself will be a challenge in itself, and even if he is himself against all odds, all the battles he fights will threaten his survival, his very existence. The very stem, branch and tree which has produced him might never get to know him. They might just shed him, or let him hang, which will be tiring and falling off on its own, unable to hold any more. After all, its just one. Or maybe, a stranger would come, pluck it and walk away, leaving the tree wounded forever. 

I watched the solitary mango and the mango tree. And I realized, we are both the mango and the mango tree. There are so many mangoes and mango trees around us. So many times, we just pluck the mangoes from a mango tree and walk away, while we desperately try to protect the mango inside us, expecting somebody will guard their own life and make it grow. 

I have just lost my mango. But somehow I believe, the mango tree will produce more mangoes, giving its everything, to make up for that one lost mango. And I shall be happy and grateful for that!

Image Source: From my camera :)